Complaining, the Conclusion

I’ve been talking to my daughter and a close friend about complaining; coincidentally, they’re both therapists.  I seem to be looking at the negative side to complaining and yet it’s obvious from my own complains that complaining is not such a terrible thing.  And I have to admit I must have issues about complaining, and sometimes I need to show more empathy when friends share their complaints.  Sometimes, I just find complaints painful or tedious to listen too.  My daughter and my friend both reminded me of some of the positives.  Complaining helps us find comfort for our dis-ease.  It helps us examine and understand our feelings.  My friend put it well:  “Complaining is fine as long as it’s productive.”  But even when we’re working on a productive solution for our complaints, there’s often an urge to be scornful of those who don’t agree.  It's the scorn that get to me.

I’ve said enough about this.  I haven’t stopped complaining, but I have become very mindful of when I do it, and what I want from it.  And what I can learn from my discontent.

However, I don’t want to leave this topic without these words from Eckhart Tolle:

The ego loves to complain and feel resentful not only about other people but also about situations.  What you can do to a person, you can also do to a situation:  make it into an enemy.  The implication is always:  This should not be happening.  I don’t want to be here; I don’t want to be doing this; I’m being treated unfairly.  And the ego’s greatest enemy of all is, of course, the present moment…

Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right.  And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior.  There is no ego in telling the waiter that your soup is cold and needs to be heated up—if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral.  “How dare you serve me cold soup…”  That’s complaining.  There is a “me” here that loves to feel personally offended by the cold soup and is going to make the most of it, a “me” that enjoys making someone wrong.  The complaining we are talking about is in the service of the ego, not of change.